“There is only one way to happiness, and that
is to cease worrying about

things which are beyond the power of
our will.”

-  Epictetus

When we feel stressed out, a good first step is to write down all our worries and problems and then make effective plans to solve
them. This is great advice but sometimes it just doesn’t work.

We can’t solve or avoid every problem; some events such as the loss of a loved one, a fatal illness or a child in serious trouble have no solutions at all.

No matter how much struggling or screaming we do, we cannot stop the sun from rising nor change the behaviour of other people. We must accept the fact that we can’t have everything, that life isn’t fair, people won’t always like us—and that we will eventually die. Even if we strive to be perfect, if we want to be happy we must accept the fact that we’ll make mistakes.

The ability to accept reality, hard as it is, is a major step in our personal growth. A clenched fist cannot receive a gift, so when we
say: “I just cannot accept this” we will not learn from the situation, nor grow stronger as a result of it.

The opposite of acceptance is judgment and denial, which make us tense up, criticize ourselves and others, and insist on impossible standards for everyone. Accepting ourselves just the way we are—unconditionally—paves the way to contentment and then to self-improvement.

But acceptance doesn’t mean just sitting around doing nothing.

When we truly decide to accept something, we’ll suddenly notice a feeling of relief and relaxation, along with a sense of inner power. If we’ve hurt someone else, then accepting it and taking responsibility makes us more humble and then motivated to take
action to correct wrongs and change for the better.

Would you like to relax?

When dealing  with people who have painful feelings we might feel  obliged to ‘do something’ to distract them, to help fix the problem, or advise them what to do.  But probably the best thing we can do for them is to simply accept them, to be there and to listen.

For a lesson in acceptance, observe a dog. Pet animals generally accept and love you, no matter what, and so do young children.  And it’s a two way street because in raising children it’s vital to accept them for what they are, even as we try to train them in good behaviour.

Just for one day, try to accept anything that exists or happens, even if it seems wrong, for as long as you can. Accept all the things
you did or didn’t do, all your thoughts and actions—and all your limitations of looks, intelligence and wealth.

Accept everything  that other people do as well, without judging them. You might find that practising acceptance helps in  making
wiser choices and responding to stress in healthier ways.

As James Russell Lowell said:

“There is no good in arguing with the inevitable.

The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat”.

 And remember:

“What we anticipate seldom occurs;  what we least expect generally happens”.

-  Benjamin Disraeli

“The problems of the world today are so complex that even teenagers don’t have the answer!”

Feeling stressed and worried? Many people are these days, but don’t let worry consist of just ‘spinning your wheels’. Focus your anxiety and find solutions! First list all your worries, then organize them into specific problem areas such as work, money or relationships. Then put one problem on each page of a notebook and start looking for answers. Gather information from your library, the internet, family and friends—or better still, talk to someone who has overcome a similar difficulty.

Next, regularly take time to physically relax, and, with the information you’ve collected in mind, let your brain wander freely, generating lots of solutions— without bothering whether they’re sensible or not. Do this regularly, and new ideas will pop into your mind all the time.

Write down every idea that you get. Most solutions may be ridiculous or impractical —but out of a hundred weird ideas you’ll get at least one that’s really useful! Remember, “the best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.”

Facing a massive problem? Break it down into smaller parts and deal with each in turn. For example, being laid off means dealing with money problems, finding a new job, what line of work to change to if you must, and how your family is reacting.

Try to turn the negative into positive. Ask “how might this problem actually make my life better?” A used car saleswoman so hated selling ‘lemons’ that she started a successful business checking out used cars, so if all you have is lemons—make lemonade!

Look for something humorous about your situation which might lead to a creative solution, and ask yourself if you might be contributing to the problem. For example, if you’re in conflict with someone, is it totally their fault, or does it have something to do with your attitudes, feelings or actions?

Once you have a good idea, make a mental picture of it succeeding. Picture each step that’s needed, imagine what resources you require, then list the steps and the date when you plan to complete each one.

If you have several options it can be hard to decide what to do, and this just creates more stress! Make a list of the good and bad points of each. Positive points count +1, negatives count -1, and just add up the scores to find out which is best. Or, on paper, draw a circle representing your present situation then draw lines away from the circle representing your main choices.

Each major decision, such as whether to stay in a job or relationship, will have various consequences, like smaller branches. Picture how each branch or consequence might look and feel like. If it’s no good, mentally retrace your steps, make another choice and repeat the process until you have a plan you can live with.

Stress is part of life, and if we are to thrive on it and not be harmed, we must accurately identify our problems , find solutions, make plans and then take action without being paralyzed by fear of failure.

As Theodore Roosevelt said: “The only person who never makes a mistake is the person who never does anything.”

For people who are stressed, depressed or in chronic pain, gambling is an exciting and pleasurable way to forget life’s problems for a while – with the added bonus that a big win will suddenly provide a life of fabulous luxury. Gambling, like eating and alcohol , can be safe and fun if it’s under control. Gamble a small sum you can afford to lose, stop when it’s gone – and all you’ve done is buy a little fun, just like going to a restaurant or movie.

Gambling is not only a bit of fun and excitement, it can help to numb pain and relieve loneliness, boredom and anxiety. But for too many people the urge to keep playing can become increasingly powerful and develop into a compulsion, creating far more stress than it could ever relieve.

About 1 in 20 Canadians of all ages now have problems with compulsive gambling – an illness of epidemic proportions that is still largely unrecognized and untreated.

Compulsive gamblers will face family conflicts and arguments, alienation of children, almost certainly the loss of job and career, and definitely major money problems – and often bankruptcy. They will suffer severe anxiety, guilt, helplessness, health problems and depression – with a high incidence of suicide. They often resort to crime to raise gambling money or pay debts, and often end up in jail. Families are severely stressed too – they rarely see the gambler and feel abandoned, anxious, isolated and often very angry.

For the compulsive gambler there never seems to be a big enough win to make even the smallest dream come true. When the downhill slide begins, reckless desperation takes over. Gambling is an addiction when it cannot be controlled despite the obvious threats to work, personal and family life . Like other addicts, gamblers are able to ignore the consequences of their actions.

These rules might prevent gambling from becoming an addiction: Never do it when tired, ill or depressed and never use money you can’t afford to lose. Set a strict limit on losses and on time, and don’t ‘chase your losses’ or gamble alone.

Recovery from established gambling addiction is rarely easy or smooth, and often doesn’t begin until a huge amount of damage has been done. It’s a lifetime effort and relapses are common, especially in the first six months.

What does it take to escape from compulsive gambling?

* An admission of the problem and high motivation to escape from it

* Cognitive Therapy to help identify and change irrational thinking

* . Relaxation Techniques and Visualization – forming vivid mental images of the bad consequences of gambling

* Joining Gamblers Anonymous – based on the successful 12 step AA model

* Identifying stresses which trigger the urge to gamble and learn alternative strategies to relax and have fun

* Constantly available support from a sponsor

* Medication in some cases

* Continuing indefinitely with counselling or a support group

The family of the gambler suffers so much that they must be included in any treatment. Often it is the spouse, partner, or family member who starts the treatment ball rolling. Escape from gambling addiction is very difficult, but as with other addictions it is possible with enough motivation and persistence. The process of recovery holds the very real promise of a richer, more fulfilling life as obstacles are overcome and a feeling of self-control increases .  

To purchase a copy of ‘Gambling, The Stress Factor’ call Optimum Health Resources, 519-897-3670 ]]> http://stresswinner.com/blog/?feed=rss2&p=157 0 http://stresswinner.com/blog/?p=78 http://stresswinner.com/blog/?p=78#comments Mon, 08 Mar 2010 13:00:58 +0000 stresswinner http://stresswinner.com/blog/?p=78

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining, is to let it rain”. (Longfellow)
Not  every problem has a solution, and we cannot avoid  all  stressful and unfair  situations. Sometimes the most careful planning and decisive action won’t help.  But when the situation seems hopeless and we’re totally stressed -out  there’s  still hope. Here are four  options to try:
Firstly,  don’t dwell on the future –  or the past.  Dale  Carnegie advised  that when you’re  caught up in useless worry, imagine yourself  as  the captain in the  centre  of your own ‘ship of life’.   You have steel doors in front  to   shut  off  worry about the future, and  others behind you to  block out  regrets from the past.   Instead of fearing the future, make plans and take action today – and   enjoy the present  as much as possible.   Don’t  ignore  the past, but   examine it rationally, learn from it, then let it  GO!
No matter how much  you jump up and down or yell, you can’t stop the sun from setting or the wind from blowing   Acceptance of the inevitable is a big part of coping with stress. Life is  full of situations we must accept:  we can’t have everything we want; people won’t always do what we want – or like us. You don’t have to like a stressful  situation  or approve of it, but you can decide to accept it.   Do  you have a spouse with an irritating habit?  You can try to change them (good luck!) – you can be mad all the time – or you can just relax and let them be the way they are.   As Epicitus said:  “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” Of course,  if the situation is life-threatening, you do have to do something, but even  then,  an attitude of acceptance makes you  calmer,  stronger  and more effective.
Take Action!  Even if you have  little control  over  a stressful situation, there’s always something you can  do. The poet Alfred Lord Tennyson  put it this way: “I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair”.  For example, if  your  sweetheart has left you or you’ve lost all your  money, you don’t have to fall apart. You can choose to  say  ”Gee, that’s too bad”,  then get out,  exercise,  join a club,  or  volunteer  to help those even worse off .  You’ll feel  better and more in control!
Shakespeare wrote:  “To fear the worst, oft cures the worst.” ‘Awfulizing’ means consciously deciding to face up to the worst that could possibly  happen instead of trying to ignore it and letting it eat away at you.  Spend some time thinking about the worst that could happen and you may realize that it’s very  unlikely  - and you can move on.   If the worst is quite possible, then vividly picture yourself getting through it  bravely and resourcefully. However, if  you feel really down, helpless  and hopeless,  you may be  depressed in the medical sense.  In this case see your doctor, don’t ‘ awfulize’, because dwelling on the worst outcomes may make the situation worse.   And remember: “What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect  generally happens”. (Benjamin Disraeli)

“Our strength grows out of our weakness.” (Emerson)
If life is dominated by worry, anxiety,  sadness and exhaustion, and if pleasure, fun, laughter and hope are just a memory, the problem is much more than just ‘stress’.  Causes of really severe symptoms include: major depression,  panic attacks, various phobias, obsessions, compulsions, post-traumatic stress – or a combination of such ‘mood disorders’.
These conditions cause significant disability and unhappiness for both sufferers and families, but the good news is that there is very effective treatment. After accurate diagnosis, which may require assessment by a psychiatrist or psychologist, management should include:
*  Medication.  Because the symptoms have a physical basis, antidepressant, anti-anxiety and mood stabilizing drugs are the mainstay of initial treatment and are sometimes needed indefinitely.
*  Therapy – and personal development make us stronger and more equal to the stresses of life and may reduce the need for medications. Cognitive-behavioural therapy is very effective. It challenges negative, inaccurate thoughts such as “I’m worthless”,  Everything is against me” and changes them to more accurate ones: “I have many abilities” and  ”Some things are against me”. Distorted thinking creates a nasty cycle of sadness, negativity and hopelessness whereas describing situations accurately enables us to take positive action.  Therapy helps you learn to relax, to worry effectively, to find solutions to problems and learn skills such as relaxation and effective communication. If you’ve been abused or hurt badly, simply telling your story to a skilled therapist can produce dramatic results.  Buried, unexpressed emotions such as anger or guilt may create much anxiety and depression,  and low self-esteem makes it hard to feel competent and strong.
* Attitudes. To  reduce excessive anxiety and depression, select mental attitudes such as : Optimism – looking for the positive aspects of  situations; Flexibility – the willingness to change; Altruism – because doing good deeds improves mood and health; Humour – laughter is the best antidepressant, so find the funny side of all situations and regularly smile and laugh – even if you don’t feel like it! Forgiveness of those who have hurt you lightens your load.
* Taking action.  A life filled with meaning and purposeful activity  leaves less room for crippling depression or anxiety.   Becoming more spiritual – finding support from some kind of ‘higher power’ reduces anxiety and improves confidence.  Nurture an intimate relationship – people in love are usually happy! Mood disorders may reduce sexual desire, but simply kissing  and cuddling is therapy in itself.
Exercise lightens depression, reduces anger and anxiety and improves self esteem.  Run about and tidy the house or get outside, in touch with nature – and feel your mood improve.  A hot bath with aromatic oils and soothing music relaxes, but playing an instrument (no matter how badly!) or joining a choir is even better!
*  Other Therapies with evidence of effectiveness include: some herbal medicines, acupuncture, meditation and hypnosis, Tai Chi and martial arts, aromatherapy, light therapy, trans-cranial magnetic stimulation and newer electronic nerve stimulation technologies.  Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) remains the best treatment for overwhelming depression.
Mood disorders are very real, very serious chronic medical problems. Learn all you can about your condition, never  judge yourself as weak or  ’inferior’ for having it  - and never give up hope!  Deep depression or crippling anxiety can make life unbearable – but in working to overcome them we open the door to eventual inner peace and lasting happiness.

“It requires a great deal of inexperience to be beyond the reach of anxiety”. (anon)
This is the age of anxiety!  Seventy percent of people today are stressed out from overload – working harder for the same pay, juggling family and work, and worrying about money.  As well, some people have Anxiety disorders such as panic, phobias, obsessions and compulsions – illnesses in which anxiety comes from within. To reduce stress and anxiety effectively we need to understand our symptoms and emotions, worry accurately, learn coping strategies, and find  support.  But  there must be an easier way – what about  ’nerve pills’?
A tranquillizer can calm racing minds, slow pounding hearts, ease tight breathing, relax tight, painful muscles and help us sleep. The Benzodiazepines, such as ‘Xanax’ (alprazolam – short-acting)  or ‘Rivotril’ (clonazepam – longer acting)  can help in dealing with major life stresses especially if taken at night when anxiety symptoms such as insomnia interfere significantly with work or caring for a child.
But taking more than just occasional doses can cause problems. Tranquillizers have potentially dangerous side effects including reduced mental alertness, concentration and memory, as well as physical unsteadiness. Driving may become dangerous, they may precipitate a depression and react badly with alcohol. Regular use can lead to tolerance and increasing doses – people in abusive situations or who have problems with alcohol or other drugs seem to be especially at risk for this.  Tranquillizers must be stopped gradually, or you risk dangerous withdrawal symptoms, including seizures. In most stressful situations, it would be better  to experience and express our emotions rather than just numbing them, and apply the energy of anxiety to finding healthier ways to become equal to the stress.
Anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety, panic, phobias, obsessions and compulsions, have much more severe  symptoms and anti-anxiety medications  may be invaluable in allowing us to function, at least in the early stages.  But in the long run  it’s best to correct any underlying biochemical imbalance using antidepressant drugs such as ‘Paxil’ or ‘Zoloft’.  These damp down excessive or obsessional worry without making you dopey, reduce the frequency and severity of panic attacks and treat the depression which is often part of mood disorders.  Knowing you can control your anxiety improves motivation to find more long lasting success through self-management. However, a few people need to take medication indefinitely just to function adequately, and they shouldn’t feel any more guilty about it then a person with diabetes taking insulin.
Anxiety disorders can start young – many students quit high school because of a phobia about public speaking. If we started teaching about anxiety and coping skills early, perhaps we could reduce the rates of serious anxiety disorders and alcohol and drug abuse.
Tranquilizers really help in disabling anxiety,  but using drugs (or alcohol) to handle the common stresses of modern life is dangerous – like painting over a rust spot on your car without removing the rust.   If you do take tranquilizers, work closely with your doctor, aiming to gradually reduce the dose while learning  effective coping techniques. Ask your doctor about cognitive-behavioural therapy, anxiety programs, and support groups. Yoga, relaxation, some herbal remedies and acupuncture can also be helpful. Read books and learn from others who have recovered, because with knowledge, skills, support and persistence, the battle against anxiety can be won!

“Anxiety –  the handmaiden of creativity” – Chuck Jones
Suddenly, you can’t breathe – your heart pounds wildly, your chest tightens and hurts, you feel as if you’re choking, you’re dizzy, unsteady, sweaty, nauseated,  shaky  and faint, the world seems unreal – and it feels like the end has come.  You think:  ”My God – a heart attack!
It’s not, but it sure feels like it!  This is a  Panic Attack, an  episode of  intense, extreme anxiety – the basic symptom in several ‘mood disorders’.  It leaves you physically weak and perhaps mentally confused and worried that it will happen again:  “I’ll  die”; “I’ll lose control”;  or “People will laugh at me!”
The physical symptoms of anxiety and fear are called the ‘fight or flight’ reflex, designed to help us survive dangerous threats by tensing muscles, raising heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure and generally preparing the body to fight or run away. This reflex can save our life, but if it comes right ‘out of the blue’  then it’s a useless reaction which makes us think that something is terribly wrong with us.
Anxiety disorders take many forms:
* Panic Attack with Agoraphobia.  Once you’ve had an attack, you may naturally feel like  avoiding places  such as stores, cinemas or churches – where, if you had an attack you wouldn’t be able to get out quickly. You may have increasing difficulty leaving your  ’safe place’ (usually the home)
* Specific Phobia. Paralyzing anxiety becomes linked with  specific situations or things such as:  Animals – snakes, dogs;  Environment – heights, water;  Medical – blood, or fear of injections; Situations – bridges, elevators, planes.
* Social Phobia. Panic is triggered by social gatherings,  speeches and performances. We fear being embarrassed and  mocked  by others.
*  Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.  A reminder of a horrific event or a ‘flashback’ can trigger disabling anxiety.
* Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Severe anxiety is related to persistent thoughts such as harming others, touching germs, or actions which one feels compelled to repeat over and over, such as hand washing, counting, or checking things.   The urge must be satisfied  or the panic level becomes unbearable.
* Generalized anxiety.  Less intense symptoms are present much of the time, you can’t  relax  and  you worry so much about minor matters that you can’t function properly.
Anxiety disorders are not a sign of weakness, but common, real medical problems. The basic cause is sensitivity of the anxiety-triggering parts of the brain combined with biochemical imbalance, which may be inborn, result from early traumatic experiences or alcoholic, neglectful or abusive parents. High stress levels may trigger attacks, which are often combined with other medical problems such as depression, substance abuse, and fibromyalgia.
Treatment starts with understanding the symptoms and causes. Family doctors provide support and information, and coordinate treatment including: medications to relieve anxiety and antidepressants to prevent attacks,  psychiatric consultation,  and expert counseling for support and teaching skills such as relaxation, rational thinking, and raising self-esteem.  Regular intense exercise, and therapies such as hypnosis and biofeedback are helpful but excess caffeine and alcohol are not!
Yes, anxiety disorders can be disabling, but one option is to use the energy of anxiety creatively to  become ultimately stronger and happier. By understanding our physical and emotional reactions, finding meaning and purpose in life and striving towards achievable goals we can gain the courage and perseverance needed to face and overcome our fears.

“People waste more time waiting for someone to take  charge of their lives than they do in any other pursuit.” – Gloria Steinem
There are  two kinds of people in the world:   those whose moods  and actions depend mainly  on what happens   to them, and  those who take responsibility  for  how they  feel,  regardless of events.  Responsibility  simply means the ability to make a response.
First, without taking  unreasonable  blame,   try  asking  what  role you might have played in creating any stressful situation.   Are you blaming anyone for your problems, or making others responsible for the way you feel?
Stresses like traffic jams  or  lack of money   cause  people to respond in very  different ways.  And individuals may not always  respond  the same way to the same thing .  But our  reaction to any  stress  is  our choice – and  we can keep on changing  what we do  until we feel  physically and  mentally  healthy.    Regardless of what we face,  each day we can  choose our food,  decide to exercise, and select either  positive or negative things to say ourselves,. We might  even choose to be happy!
Unfortunately it’s not  quite  that simple because human  minds have different ‘parts’ that give out  different messages.  When we’re stressed,  a panicky voice may say: “That’s terrible” – whereas a more mature one might say: “Well, that’s inconvenient” or “It’s too bad”.    Our  ’Awfulizer’ – describes things as hopeless, or  worse than they are;  our  ’Critic’  will judge  us harshly like an insensitive parent and our  ’Addict’  part  justifies  negative or harmful habits.
If you’re  aware of these stress-producing  voices,  you can replace them with   realistic but positive ones , supporting  you  and helping you find  solutions.
Remember a frightening dream you had?  How did you feel when you woke up – were you still a bit scared?  Did you yell out in your sleep, or wake up sweating, your heart pounding?   The threat you felt wasn’t real, but your body acted as if it was, and did the same things that it would have if you really were in a dangerous situation!
Always keep in mind that your ‘stress load’  is very much influenced by what you think  about any situation. Convince yourself  that something is  ‘terrible’  or  ‘awful’ – then it will be. But  describe it as ‘challenging’ ‘interesting’ or at worst ‘too bad’, then it will be that  too.
Managing stress – in a nutshell – means  knowing your own symptoms of stress, selecting your attitude, having  lots of skills  and supports  available and  selecting  the best one for each situation.    It’s like having a mental ‘tool kit’ for stress.  An  obnoxious relative is coming to stay?  Think ahead,  make plans for coping  successfully.  Plan to do some brisk exercise to release  tension  before they arrive. See yourself using breathing to relax your body while talking to them, focusing on the humorous aspects of their behavior and feel yourself stronger for having dealt with them.
Use your anxiety level  as a gauge of your success,  and your guide to what  you need to learn.   You  can   take charge,  and  not only ‘cope’  with stress  -  but thrive on it!
“God does not ask us whether we will accept life.  That is not the choice. We must take it. The only choice is how.”

Stress causes many  symptoms  - about 70% of patients visiting the family doctor and anxious or depressed rather than physically ill.  However, it’s a mistake to put all symptoms down to ‘stress’ when there is something really wrong. Here are some tips on when to be concerned about serious illness.
Chest pain is common when we’re stressed, but if it’s heart disease (angina) it tends to be severe and constricting,  like a tight band around the chest – often brought on by exercise and relieved by rest, radiating into the neck and commonly the left arm, often accompanied  by cold sweats, and shortness of breath. Heart disease is  more likely if you are over 30, male, a smoker, have a family history of heart attack, but symptoms are not always typical  - especially in women and the elderly.
Headaches are more likely to be serious if they are  severe, have started recently, are getting worse, happen mostly in the morning, and are accompanied by other symptoms such as vomiting, double vision, blurred vision, weakness or numbness of one side of the body, difficulty with  coordination, dizziness, blackouts, convulsions or stiff  neck.  These are some of the symptoms of a brain tumour or bleeding in the brain from an aneurysm.
Feel short of breath? If  it’s  getting steadily worse, is accompanied by chest pain or persistent cough, if you’re on the  birth control pill, are a smoker, or have had a leg injury in the last year or two then you should be checked for a blood clot in the lung, pneumonia, or other serious lung disease.
If you have swallowing problems you should be investigated if this is always present rather than being just an occasional tight feeling in the throat when you are under stress.
Stress causes lots of ‘stomach’ upsets – that’s why they’re called ‘gut feelings’!  But a persistent change in bowel habit, especially if accompanied by bleeding or mucus, abdominal pain, or weight loss,  calls for a thorough check – especially if you’re over 40 – and always when there is a family history of bowel tumors or polyps.
Tiredness:  Anxiety and depression are very common  causes of  tiredness, but suspect other illness if you’re tired and have: Weight loss or gain, Skin changes or hair loss, Change in bowel habit or blood in the stool, Change in menstrual cycle,  Localized  chronic pain, Drinking and urinating more, Shortness of breath on exertion or during the night.  Everyone has ‘the blues’ occasionally, but depression is a potentially very serious, and sometimes fatal, illness.  Some of its symptoms are similar to those of anxiety, and it’s quite common to have a depression as well as ‘stress’.
This description of symptoms is a very brief, general guide. The most important factor in dealing with symptoms, whether caused by stress or a serious illness, is a good working relationship with your family physician. Know your symptoms of stress,  and you’ll  feel more able to take control. The earlier you can recognize the symptoms, the more easily you can take steps which give you control.

RESEARCH OF THE WEEK
Recent studies show that the most important thing to do before you communicate with anybody is   to know who you are talking to and be able to empathize wiuth that person. As Henry Ford said:””When I am ready to reason with a man  I spend one-third of my time thinking  about myself and what I am going to say and two-thirds of my time thinking about him  and what he is going to say.”

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I may not agree with what you say but I’ll defend to the death your right to shut up. “

Poor communication causes huge amounts of stress – families are miserable, marriages break up, doctors and hospitals get sued, companies go bankrupt and countries may go to war!
On the other hand, be a good communicator and you reduce stress all around. You’ll  feel confident asking for help, for  a favour, a date – or a raise!  At work, a problem boss or rude customers  become  interesting challenges not major stresses,  and you’ll be more effective in sales or management.  At home you’ll enjoy the happiness that comes from  greater intimacy with your spouse and a closer relationship with children.
Good communication also leads to better health, because people who can express painful feelings such as anger and sadness, who can show affection, give genuine praise and  generally get along with others seem to have lower rates of heart disease, cancer and stroke.
There’s more to communication than just talking. Listening is the most underrated and maybe the most valuable of all communication skills – very often neglected by husbands (and parents of teens). Assertiveness techniques help you to ask for what you need, cope with criticism and  verbal abuse, and  find time for things you really enjoy  by allowing you to  say  NO to excessive demands – without feeling guilty!   Conflict Resolution techniques allow everyone to win without anybody  ending up resentful.
Here are a few general tips to improve communication:
* Try to understand people’s personality and communication style,  where they are  coming from and what they want.
Remember that men and women are different. Women usually want to have their concerns  heard, their feelings validated, and discuss things at length, whereas most men like to get right down to solving the problem.
* Ask ‘open ended’ questions.  If you say “Nice day, eh?” about the only answer is “Yes”, but  saying  ”What do you think of this weather?”  starts a conversation.  Stuck for a topic?  Ask something personal , most people like talking about themselves.
* Use “I” more than “you”.   “I see that the house is untidy.” works better than  “You never help clean up.”
*  To avoid conflict when you think someone’s talking nonsense,  just say ‘You may be right about that”
* Periodically summarize how  you see the other person’s position or feelings.
* Rehearse what you’re  going to say in tricky situations, practise in front of a mirror or even write yourself  a script!
*  Body language is actually more important than what words you use.  Smile,  lean  slightly  forward to show interest and get on the same level, not  too far away or too close.  Don’t  pace up and down, fold your arms or tap your  fingers!  Make eye contact, but don’t stare right in people’s  eyes, focus on a  point between them.
Better communication skills will reduce stress and increase success in all areas of life, but to make them  work,  don’t forget that other stress management techniques are very important as well. These include:  developing solid self-esteem  (which helps in not taking things too personally), the ability to relax in difficult situations, a positive mental attitude, a sense of humor and a willingness to learn from mistakes and to change methods that are not working.
“I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!” (Anon)